A Quick Question and Answer Session
Q: "Justin, how did you become such a great father and husband? Surely, you must have a natural insight into psychology and sociology? Or, perhaps, you are a modern-day prophet, receiving messages from up high to spread to the common people of this land, in order to create a more peaceful, just and verdant world."
A: No, voices in my head, I'm not! I am in no way, shape or form a great father or husband. I have simply learned what seems to work in my particular situation. If these tips work for you, then so be it.
Q: Justin, what's your take on spanking?
A: Listen, I believe that there are a lot of good parents who spank their kids. I also believe that great parents don't ever have to spank. That's because standing on the dining room table, waving a semi-automatic handgun above your head and shouting expletives that you've just made up out of blind anger will get the point across even better.
Q: I want to teach my kids life lessons and teach them about day to day behaviors. Should I wait for the opportunity to present itself, or should I sit them down and have a actual lesson?
A: I've learned that the best way to teach anything to small children is to use props and costumes. But be careful. Some can be more detrimental than helpful. For example:
Good Idea: Dress up in a giant tooth superhero costume named "Molar Man" to explain the importance to proper dental hygiene.
Bad Idea: Dressing like a clown and tapping on their bedroom window in the middle of the night to explain a fire evacuation route.
Good Idea: Using stuffed animals to demonstrate how bullies are not friends.
Bad Idea: Using stuffed animals to explain how meat packing plants work.
Q: When you are faced with a parenting or marriage challenge, and you and your wife have different points of view, how do you handle it as a team?
A: Excellent question! It's important to realize that you and your spouse may not always see eye to eye on everything. You must handle the problem maturely and politely; like adults. For instance, I usually just walk around the house mimicking my wife, using the high-pitched "wife" voice until she resigns to the fact that I am right. Or until she puts me in time out...Whichever comes first...
Q: When do you have "the talk" with your kids?
A: Immediately. As soon as they start comprehending words and sentences. It's never too early to talk to your kids about the risks and the social and moral repercussions of falling into the world of carnival workers or "Carnies." Wait! What "talk" are you talking about?
Q: Is it true that you can open a beer can with your pinkie toe?
A: Yes.
Q: How do you keep the fire lit between you and your wife?
A: Never speak to each other. You see, when you are first dating someone, you're always NOT talking. Movies, clubs, concerts...And you're all "puppy dogs and ice cream" with each other...I try to speak to my wife as little as possible to make sure she never realizes how boring I am or how many repressed issues I have shoved deep, deep into my psyche and drowned with booze. So, when she says, "You're still the same man I met all those years ago," she means it!
Q: Which one of your kids is your favorite?
A: There is no way I can answer that! Besides, they know who they are...
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
I love the 80's
I have learned that your kids will develop into whatever you mold them to be. Usually, they will reflect the personality traits you exhibit. But I believe that, if you are awesome enough, you will also subconsciously shape them into the greatest mash-up cast for a 80's television show ever.
My oldest, Danny, is a perfect cross between MacGyver, Lieutenant Templeton "Face" Peck, and Mork from Ork. MacGyver is a good description of Danny for two simple reasons: He loves to tinker with things and make them work and he will wait forever before getting his hair cut and will inevitably end up with "hockey hair" every three months or so. Danny is also the "Face" of my squad of children. He is quick to approach anyone, he's handsome, and he knows what to say to get things done. Also, I've seen him in the back yard with his toy rifle, and I have to believe that, just like the rest of the A-Team, he wouldn't be able to hit the broad side of a barn...But, there's a third side to him. The goofy, unexplainable and genuinely funny side. I once walked by his room and he was standing on the edge of the bed, flapping his arms and hooting like an owl. I asked what he was doing, and he replied "Just practicing..." I couldn't even imagine for what he was practicing, so I just kept walking, shaking my head. Another time, he came up to me walking like a robot and asked in a mechanical voice, "What is the recipe for peanut butter?"
Ana is a tricky one. She has a complexity that is hard to identify, so I have had to dig deep for this. You see, Ana had a timidness to her that keeps her from taking a lot of chance. This comes probably from her brothers being so over-the-top. But when she is alone or in a comfort zone, she has a creativity that is impressive. When in front of a authority figure, she sometimes becomes Vicki from "Small Wonder." She needs prompting for everything she needs to do, and is very slow and mechanical and precise in all her movements. When in this mode, she also takes everything extremely literally. "Could you put that bucket on the porch," is a quick way to find her climbing the trellis to place a bucket on the roof of the porch. Other times, she is sucked into the tomboy role as she is surrounded by two brothers. This is when she transforms into Louise McCloud from "The Young Riders." (I told you that I had to dig deep!) She plays "Soldiers" with Danny, digs in the sand box with James, and will settle for comic book movies instead of anything marketed towards young girls. But deep down, she is Blair from "The Facts of Life." Very pretty and very aware of it. She LOVES getting her hair done, and loves even more when people compliment her on it. She's not vain or egocentric. She just likes the attention occasionally pulled from her very "present" brothers and be placed on her. Ultimately, however, she seems to play the "female partner" of any 80's show. She is Mrs. King, Jennifer Hart, and Daisy Duke; able to keep up with the boys and usually the straight-laced one of the bunch.
James...Ah, James! He is the wild man. Imagine the insanity of Capt. H.M. "Howling Mad" Murdock, the tenacity of Sgt. Bosco "B.A." Baracus, and the unconventional leadership and disguises of Col. John "Hannibal" Smith all rolled into a 2' 6" package. He will drag anyone into his world, put on a cowboy hat and goggles, and physically push them into a game of "I pity the fool who don't play hide and seek with me," in which he will put the person in a place to hide and then spend about ten minutes "looking" for them. James also has hair of Jack Tripper and the coy looks of Remington Steele. He is a handsome boy, as well, and gets just about anything he wants, like Ricky Stratton. With his talking cars, his tendencies for large jumps and the uncontrollable desire to slide across the hood of my car, I also believe he is part Michael Knight. Although he doesn't have the chest full of "man mane," I have seen him destroy a cheeseburger while rolling on the floor and babbling unintelligibly, as well.
But, even though this sounds like a terrific cameo-rich episode of the Love Boat, there's more. They turn into dynamite teams when they're together. They play off of each other's strengths to form an unlikely alliance. Danny is the Bruce Banner to James' Hulk. Ana is the Larry Appleton to Danny's Balki Bartokomous. And James is the JR Ewing to...well...Everyone...
My children are who I make them. Everything I do, every word I speak, every gesture I make is a small nudge from me to them to who they will become. And, frankly, I am proud of who they are now and who they will become. And, anyways...I'm the 6 Million dollar Man, "Hawkeye" Pierce and The Fall Guy....Just Saying...
My oldest, Danny, is a perfect cross between MacGyver, Lieutenant Templeton "Face" Peck, and Mork from Ork. MacGyver is a good description of Danny for two simple reasons: He loves to tinker with things and make them work and he will wait forever before getting his hair cut and will inevitably end up with "hockey hair" every three months or so. Danny is also the "Face" of my squad of children. He is quick to approach anyone, he's handsome, and he knows what to say to get things done. Also, I've seen him in the back yard with his toy rifle, and I have to believe that, just like the rest of the A-Team, he wouldn't be able to hit the broad side of a barn...But, there's a third side to him. The goofy, unexplainable and genuinely funny side. I once walked by his room and he was standing on the edge of the bed, flapping his arms and hooting like an owl. I asked what he was doing, and he replied "Just practicing..." I couldn't even imagine for what he was practicing, so I just kept walking, shaking my head. Another time, he came up to me walking like a robot and asked in a mechanical voice, "What is the recipe for peanut butter?"
Ana is a tricky one. She has a complexity that is hard to identify, so I have had to dig deep for this. You see, Ana had a timidness to her that keeps her from taking a lot of chance. This comes probably from her brothers being so over-the-top. But when she is alone or in a comfort zone, she has a creativity that is impressive. When in front of a authority figure, she sometimes becomes Vicki from "Small Wonder." She needs prompting for everything she needs to do, and is very slow and mechanical and precise in all her movements. When in this mode, she also takes everything extremely literally. "Could you put that bucket on the porch," is a quick way to find her climbing the trellis to place a bucket on the roof of the porch. Other times, she is sucked into the tomboy role as she is surrounded by two brothers. This is when she transforms into Louise McCloud from "The Young Riders." (I told you that I had to dig deep!) She plays "Soldiers" with Danny, digs in the sand box with James, and will settle for comic book movies instead of anything marketed towards young girls. But deep down, she is Blair from "The Facts of Life." Very pretty and very aware of it. She LOVES getting her hair done, and loves even more when people compliment her on it. She's not vain or egocentric. She just likes the attention occasionally pulled from her very "present" brothers and be placed on her. Ultimately, however, she seems to play the "female partner" of any 80's show. She is Mrs. King, Jennifer Hart, and Daisy Duke; able to keep up with the boys and usually the straight-laced one of the bunch.
James...Ah, James! He is the wild man. Imagine the insanity of Capt. H.M. "Howling Mad" Murdock, the tenacity of Sgt. Bosco "B.A." Baracus, and the unconventional leadership and disguises of Col. John "Hannibal" Smith all rolled into a 2' 6" package. He will drag anyone into his world, put on a cowboy hat and goggles, and physically push them into a game of "I pity the fool who don't play hide and seek with me," in which he will put the person in a place to hide and then spend about ten minutes "looking" for them. James also has hair of Jack Tripper and the coy looks of Remington Steele. He is a handsome boy, as well, and gets just about anything he wants, like Ricky Stratton. With his talking cars, his tendencies for large jumps and the uncontrollable desire to slide across the hood of my car, I also believe he is part Michael Knight. Although he doesn't have the chest full of "man mane," I have seen him destroy a cheeseburger while rolling on the floor and babbling unintelligibly, as well.
But, even though this sounds like a terrific cameo-rich episode of the Love Boat, there's more. They turn into dynamite teams when they're together. They play off of each other's strengths to form an unlikely alliance. Danny is the Bruce Banner to James' Hulk. Ana is the Larry Appleton to Danny's Balki Bartokomous. And James is the JR Ewing to...well...Everyone...
My children are who I make them. Everything I do, every word I speak, every gesture I make is a small nudge from me to them to who they will become. And, frankly, I am proud of who they are now and who they will become. And, anyways...I'm the 6 Million dollar Man, "Hawkeye" Pierce and The Fall Guy....Just Saying...
Friday, April 6, 2012
Celery...Broccoli...Gotta be...
When you first become a parent, you understand that your life will change. But you never fully understand to what degree until you are in the middle of an auditorium, surrounded by 1000 squealing children and large singing, dancing vegetables staring down at you from stage from behind concert lights.
All three of my children have gone through the "Veggietales" phase. But none as much as my youngest, James, is right now.
A couple of months ago, we received some of the silly vegetable videos as a gift, and since then, tomatoes and cucumbers have taken over our lives. They even have their own place in our nightly prayers..."God bless Daddy, God bless Mama, God bless Bob, God bless Larry..." In fact, anytime we go to the grocery store, we cannot pass through the produce section without an atomic toddler meltdown if he can't get a armful of fresh vegetable to take as new toys. I have found these "toys" strewn about the house later, as he will inevitably retrieve them from their slumber out of the refrigerator. Some are half eaten by the dog, others are drawn on with pens and crayons, while the rest usually fall behind furniture and my wife and I are sent on a "find Archibald the Asparagus before he starts to rot and cause the house you smell like old urine" mission. I used to like eating vegetables. Now I love to eat them. Because in my mind, I am silencing the Silly Songs in my head. I feel like the Hannibal Lector of produce: "Can you still hear the Vegetables Singing, Clarice?"
Don't get me wrong. The Veggietales are fun videos with a positive message about God's love. But, just like any other children's show, it can definitely wear on the sanity of a parent after the six-hundredth viewing. Just like Dora the Explorer. I have dreamt a many a night the day when the grumpy old troll fills her backpack full of rocks and tosses her into the river while creating a stuffed mantle piece out of the talking monkey.
Wednesday night, I took all three kids to see "Veggietales" Live...by myself...for the first time. Gina had youth group and this was a one-night-only event. It was obvious to the veteran parents around me that this was my first kids' show on my own. The mother of three in the row directly in front of us kept turning to me and smiling a sweet, compassionate smile as James was screaming in her ear because he wanted to run down the stairs and onto the stage to dance with Larry. And when the squash came out, he stepped down, grabbed her face and did that thing that kids do. You know: teeth clenched, grunting loudly and shaking as if he were a phone set to vibrate.
There was a song in which all the cast members invited the kids in the audience to dance in front of the stage. Now, I have seen clips of The Beatles on The Ed Sullivan Show or tweens watching the Jonas Brothers exiting a limo, but I never thought I would ever see that kind of reaction from hundreds of tiny children. In one riotous movement, the seats were emptied and the front of the stage was swarmed with miniature hands sticking up, trying to catch a touch of the giant stuffed tomato costume. Luckily, security was blocking the way. Yes, security. The same black shirts with yellow writing you would see at a rock concert were standing (or kneeling, rather) with their arms outstretched, trying to prevent any breach that could possibly endanger the cast or disrupt the performance. The only thing that made me cringe at this sight was the idea that it would be my son that they would have to heave back into the crowd or drag away to the back of house while he was kicking and shouting obscenities.
Ultimately, we survived. The show ended, we picked up some souvenirs, and we left. But on the way home, I started thinking, "So, this is it?"
Over the last few years, I have started to feel my age and my position as a father. And it's not a bad thing; just different. When I was young, I loved concerts and live theatre. I took every opportunity to enjoy all kinds of genres in a variety of venues. When I was 16, my friends Mike and Robert and I snuck away on a road trip to Kansas City from Concordia to see Lollapalooza. After that, outdoor music festivals became a fixture for me. "Edgefest" in Omaha, "Jayhawk Fest" in Lawrence, and many others...Later, as I became of age to enter bars and clubs, I started seeking out smaller venues (The Beaumont, The Granada, The Uptown) to see musicians and acts that inspired me. B.B. King at the Lied Center, Band of Horses at City Market, Ingrid Michaelson at Knuckleheads...
But the other night, I realized where I was in life. It started with Jiggle Jam at Crown Center. A music festival for kids. Mr. Stinky Feet and They Might Be Giants headlined with arts and crafts and bubble station all around the grounds. We returned sunburned and exhausted, much like the music festivals of my youth. And then, for a "Grown-Up Date Night," I scored tickets to see Green Day at the Sprint Center a couple years ago. It was that night that I realized that I wasn't the hip, young guy I once was. My wife and I spent the entire show standing, trying to hear music from behind a group of screaming twenty-somethings, complaining that it was too loud and that our feet hurt. We tried again last fall, when we went to see Better Than Ezra at Power and Light. This was a lot more relaxed and laid back. Much more our style as of late. And given the era of popularity for this group, we were surrounded by a lot of like-minded people.
But being a dad is fun. And seeing the look at enjoyment on my kids' faces during and after a show in which a girl dressed up as a monkey performs cartwheels around the stage while giant vegetables serenade makes it all worth it. Let the young people have their mainstream shows. Because someday, it will be them echoing the phrase, "I can't believe I am saying this, but I am excited to see Toy Story on Ice."
All three of my children have gone through the "Veggietales" phase. But none as much as my youngest, James, is right now.
A couple of months ago, we received some of the silly vegetable videos as a gift, and since then, tomatoes and cucumbers have taken over our lives. They even have their own place in our nightly prayers..."God bless Daddy, God bless Mama, God bless Bob, God bless Larry..." In fact, anytime we go to the grocery store, we cannot pass through the produce section without an atomic toddler meltdown if he can't get a armful of fresh vegetable to take as new toys. I have found these "toys" strewn about the house later, as he will inevitably retrieve them from their slumber out of the refrigerator. Some are half eaten by the dog, others are drawn on with pens and crayons, while the rest usually fall behind furniture and my wife and I are sent on a "find Archibald the Asparagus before he starts to rot and cause the house you smell like old urine" mission. I used to like eating vegetables. Now I love to eat them. Because in my mind, I am silencing the Silly Songs in my head. I feel like the Hannibal Lector of produce: "Can you still hear the Vegetables Singing, Clarice?"
Don't get me wrong. The Veggietales are fun videos with a positive message about God's love. But, just like any other children's show, it can definitely wear on the sanity of a parent after the six-hundredth viewing. Just like Dora the Explorer. I have dreamt a many a night the day when the grumpy old troll fills her backpack full of rocks and tosses her into the river while creating a stuffed mantle piece out of the talking monkey.
Wednesday night, I took all three kids to see "Veggietales" Live...by myself...for the first time. Gina had youth group and this was a one-night-only event. It was obvious to the veteran parents around me that this was my first kids' show on my own. The mother of three in the row directly in front of us kept turning to me and smiling a sweet, compassionate smile as James was screaming in her ear because he wanted to run down the stairs and onto the stage to dance with Larry. And when the squash came out, he stepped down, grabbed her face and did that thing that kids do. You know: teeth clenched, grunting loudly and shaking as if he were a phone set to vibrate.
There was a song in which all the cast members invited the kids in the audience to dance in front of the stage. Now, I have seen clips of The Beatles on The Ed Sullivan Show or tweens watching the Jonas Brothers exiting a limo, but I never thought I would ever see that kind of reaction from hundreds of tiny children. In one riotous movement, the seats were emptied and the front of the stage was swarmed with miniature hands sticking up, trying to catch a touch of the giant stuffed tomato costume. Luckily, security was blocking the way. Yes, security. The same black shirts with yellow writing you would see at a rock concert were standing (or kneeling, rather) with their arms outstretched, trying to prevent any breach that could possibly endanger the cast or disrupt the performance. The only thing that made me cringe at this sight was the idea that it would be my son that they would have to heave back into the crowd or drag away to the back of house while he was kicking and shouting obscenities.
Ultimately, we survived. The show ended, we picked up some souvenirs, and we left. But on the way home, I started thinking, "So, this is it?"
Over the last few years, I have started to feel my age and my position as a father. And it's not a bad thing; just different. When I was young, I loved concerts and live theatre. I took every opportunity to enjoy all kinds of genres in a variety of venues. When I was 16, my friends Mike and Robert and I snuck away on a road trip to Kansas City from Concordia to see Lollapalooza. After that, outdoor music festivals became a fixture for me. "Edgefest" in Omaha, "Jayhawk Fest" in Lawrence, and many others...Later, as I became of age to enter bars and clubs, I started seeking out smaller venues (The Beaumont, The Granada, The Uptown) to see musicians and acts that inspired me. B.B. King at the Lied Center, Band of Horses at City Market, Ingrid Michaelson at Knuckleheads...
But the other night, I realized where I was in life. It started with Jiggle Jam at Crown Center. A music festival for kids. Mr. Stinky Feet and They Might Be Giants headlined with arts and crafts and bubble station all around the grounds. We returned sunburned and exhausted, much like the music festivals of my youth. And then, for a "Grown-Up Date Night," I scored tickets to see Green Day at the Sprint Center a couple years ago. It was that night that I realized that I wasn't the hip, young guy I once was. My wife and I spent the entire show standing, trying to hear music from behind a group of screaming twenty-somethings, complaining that it was too loud and that our feet hurt. We tried again last fall, when we went to see Better Than Ezra at Power and Light. This was a lot more relaxed and laid back. Much more our style as of late. And given the era of popularity for this group, we were surrounded by a lot of like-minded people.
But being a dad is fun. And seeing the look at enjoyment on my kids' faces during and after a show in which a girl dressed up as a monkey performs cartwheels around the stage while giant vegetables serenade makes it all worth it. Let the young people have their mainstream shows. Because someday, it will be them echoing the phrase, "I can't believe I am saying this, but I am excited to see Toy Story on Ice."
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