James the Super Hero

Corpus call-"awesome"!

(NOTE:  I had an amazing post about Father's Day all lined up a few days ago, but then, just as I was ready to hit the "post" button, my system rebooted unexpectedly and I lost everything.  And with all the commotion in my home, I could not even begin to think of rebuilding the train of thought I was on.  Suffice it to say, I was pampered with a trip to an amusement park with my kids and wife and it was a spectacular Father's Day. 

So, I missed posting about Dad's Day...Oh, well...Frankly, I am so awesome in my home, that every day is Father's Day, anyways...)

I have always known something about marriage, but I have to, every so often, put myself into a situation to reaffirm that I have been right all this time.  Men are not allowed to make decision regarding home decor, whatsoever.  Never.  We can be "included" in the decision making process. Meaning, we will be given an opportunity to voice our opinion about three predetermined choices.  Our opinion is heard, but very seldom is in the right one.  But, we are never allowed to make decisions alone and unsupervised. 

And this is not a negative thing about women.  It's the whole corpus callosum thing.  The corpus callosum is the tissue that separates the two hemispheres of the brain.  It allows communication between the two sides.  Science has shown that men have a thinner corpus callosum and women's are wider.  The wider the corpus callosum, the more "cross-talk" that can happen between the two sides.  This is a scientific explanation for "women's intuition."  This also is why women are able to multi-task and make emotional connections to things that men would seem to see as only inanimate objects.

For example, if a man is walking through a store and sees, let's say, a candle, and he likes the way the candle looks and smells, he will buy the candle.  That's because he sees what he likes and assumes that if he likes it, his wife will like it, too.  Our thin corpus callosum doesn't relay the emotional connection of "wife" to the non-emotional connection of "candle."  A woman, however, will have to think about every possible way that the candle will change her existence as a person before making the $7.99 purchase.  The decision to buy a candle could last days, weeks, or even possibly months.  She will send pictures to her mom and friends to get their input.  It has to "speak" to her personally.  And if the man buys the candle, his wife will most likely not agree with desicion.  Not only because it was the wrong candle to begin with, but also because he made the decision without her and that turns the purchase of a simple, centuries-long form of lighting into an emotional runaway train ride that stops peridocially at phrases like, "Don't you know me at all?" and "You never really pay attention to me, do you?," and "Can't you see what I've been trying to do in this house for the last year?"

And it's the last one that, I believe, really hits it on the head.  Women's wide corpus callosum allows them to, essentially, see into the future.  They can plan fifteen months in advance for the redecoration of one room.  All the way down to the tiniest details of candle selection.  Every single thing that they do will eventually cause the room to come full circle.  Men cannot do this.  That's why, when I was single, every piece of furniture in my apartment was completely mismatched.  I had a pea-green dresser in my bedroom!  But, when I saw it, I thought, "Hmmm...I need a dresser...and it's free...Yep, I'll take it!"  (And I must say that the green really complimented the Burgundy chester I had already procured from the old neighbor who didn't want to move it.) 

So, men, the next time you are strolling solo down the picture frame aisle at Target (And you know you will...It's impossible to not be hypnotized by their selection of frames), and you see a brushed nickel frame in a sunburst design and you think, "She said we needed a mirror for the hallway," just walk on by.  The possibility that you can randomly pick the one thing that she had in mind for that one particular spot in that one specific room is a million to one.  And if you do, by chance, happen to succeed in your decision, run out immediately and buy a lotto ticket...or a cigar and a 30 year old scotch, because you'll want to celebrate that impossible feat like real man!

I want it now!

I've become extremely selfish since kids and marriage.  Ask any man in that phase of their life and they will probably tell you the same.  And it they don't, they are lying to you.  All married men with children are selfish.  But you would never know it by looking at them.  That's because we are so giving.  Confused, yet?  Let me explain.

As husbands and fathers, we men spend our days giving and doing and buying and thinking for our families.  We will spend an hour untangling the string on a yo-yo.  We have taken countless trips to the store for feminine hygiene products.  We will sit and listen for what seems like hours to pointless stories that have no bearing on our survival as a person, whatsoever.  But, when we are by ourselves, in independent cirmustances, we will suck every opportunity for what It's worth.

But because of our aforementioned duties, we have learned to do it stealthily.

For instance, my wife and I eat ice cream together almost every night.  It's our "mini-date" for the evening.  I've always scooped the ice cream into the bowls, because my wife says that I make "perfect balls."  And I don't have any problem with it...regardless of how long or hard I've worked, whether or not I'm ill, or even if I have a physical ailment that prevents normal mobility...I always do it.  Because I'm a great husband, and that's what we do.  What she has never known, though, is that as I'm scooping in the kitchen, I always put more in my bowl.  It's just my little way to think of myself ahead of others.

Have you ever seen that guy at a store or the movies or any service industry setting at all?  You know, the guy with the wedding ring on, and no self-awareness of his terrible selection in clothing (dads have given up creating any real sense of style) and the heavy amount of grey hair for only being in his early thirties?  He is the first person that will completely lose his mind when something goes awry with his order.  He can't help it!  He spends every waking moment trying to please everyone in his life that he cannot hold himself back when it's his time to be served.

So, the next time you ladies see your man taking all of the unbroken Doritos out of the bag, leaving nothing but the little cool ranch flavored shards that can only be eaten out of the palm your hand, quietly let him have it.  And when he starts to raise his voice to the flight attendant because Sprite is NOT Sierra Mist, just look the other way.  And on the occasion that he puts only his clothes in the first load of laundry and leaves yours in a finely separated pile in the corner of the bedroom, knowing there may not be any chance of finishing yours by day's end...Okay, I'll admit...That's just being a jerk...