A Quick Question and Answer Session

A Quick Question and Answer Session

Q: "Justin, how did you become such a great father and husband?  Surely, you must have a natural insight into psychology and sociology?  Or, perhaps, you are a modern-day prophet, receiving messages from up high to spread to the common people of this land, in order to create a more peaceful, just and verdant world."

A:  No, voices in my head, I'm not!  I am in no way, shape or form a great father or husband.  I have simply learned what seems to work in my particular situation.  If these tips work for you, then so be it.


Q:  Justin, what's your take on spanking? 

A:  Listen, I believe that there are a lot of good parents who spank their kids.  I also believe that great parents don't ever have to spank.  That's because standing on the dining room table, waving a semi-automatic handgun above your head and shouting expletives that you've just made up out of blind anger will get the point across even better.


Q:  I want to teach my kids life lessons and teach them about day to day behaviors.  Should I wait for the opportunity to present itself, or should I sit them down and have a actual lesson?

A:  I've learned that the best way to teach anything to small children is to use props and costumes.  But be careful.  Some can be more detrimental than helpful.  For example:

Good Idea:  Dress up in a giant tooth superhero costume named "Molar Man" to explain the importance to proper dental hygiene.

Bad Idea:  Dressing like a clown and tapping on their bedroom window in the middle of the night to explain a fire evacuation route.


Good Idea:  Using stuffed animals to demonstrate how bullies are not friends.

Bad Idea:  Using stuffed animals to explain how meat packing plants work.


Q:  When you are faced with a parenting or marriage challenge, and you and your wife have different points of view, how do you handle it as a team?

A:  Excellent question!  It's important to realize that you and your spouse may not always see eye to eye on everything.  You must handle the problem maturely and politely; like adults.  For instance, I usually just walk around the house mimicking my wife, using the high-pitched "wife" voice until she resigns to  the fact that I am right.  Or until she puts me in time out...Whichever comes first...


Q:   When do you have "the talk" with your kids?

A:  Immediately.  As soon as they start comprehending words and sentences.  It's never too early to talk to your kids about the risks and the social and moral repercussions of falling into the world of carnival workers or "Carnies."  Wait!  What "talk" are you talking about? 


Q:  Is it true that you can open a beer can with your pinkie toe?

A:  Yes.


Q:  How do you keep the fire lit between you and your wife?

A:  Never speak to each other.  You see, when you are first dating someone, you're always NOT talking.  Movies, clubs, concerts...And you're all "puppy dogs and ice cream" with each other...I try to speak to my wife as little as possible to make sure she never realizes how boring I am or how many repressed issues I have shoved deep, deep into my psyche and drowned with booze.  So, when she says, "You're still the same man I met all those years ago,"  she means it!



Q:  Which one of your kids is your favorite?

A:  There is no way I can answer that!  Besides, they know who they are...