Questions and Answers

There are times when we, as fathers, may not know exactly how to explain things in a way that kids will understand. 


Sometimes, it's because it's hard to explain the complexity of it all:

"Dad, why is there war?"


"Well, daughter, sometimes there are people in this world that want to hurt other people.  And so they have to be told not to.  So, if the people that are being hurt cannot protect themselves, other people go to help them."


"Kind of like the police?"


"Yeah, that's one way to think of it."


"So, when someone hurts someone else, you have to fight them?"


"Well, no, not exactly.  You don't want to go around fighting everyone who hurts people..."


"Why not?  Are you some kind of hippie or something?"


Sometimes, it's because it's something we know nothing about:

"Dad, why does it take so long for light to get from the stars to earth?"


"Umm...because...it has to stop along the way to pee so many times...."


And a lot of times, it's because it's just plain awkward:

"Dad, what's 'gay' mean?"


"Um...why?"


"Well, I just saw you throw that football...I was just wondering..."


However, as the Dad, you are expected to have the answer for everything.  And if life has taught me anything, it's this:  you can give the wrong answer sometimes.  But as long as you do it with confidence, nobody will ever question it...especially your kids.

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Vocabulary Confusion

One day, I was picking my two oldest up from their mother's house after they had been on a week long trip to California.  After they had buckled themselves in and we were on our way, I heard my 9 year old son say to my six year old daughter, "Ana, I can see your whale tail!"

Let me pause right here to explain something.  My ex-wife and I have obviously not seen eye to eye on a lot of things over the years.  But I never thought I would ever have to worry about a "whale tail" on my six year old daughter!  For those who may be confused, a "whale tail" is a term used when the top of a thong is visible from the back of a woman's pants...or a man's...I'm not here to judge...

After I heard this exclamation from my son, I almost lost control of the car.  "What do you mean 'whale tail,' Danny?"

"The one she got in California."

"Yeah, Dad," Ana chimed in.  "In California.  My mom got it for me!"

Frantically, I pulled my car into a gas station's parking lot.  I started fumbling for my phone.  I didn't even know who to call.  Their mother, to yell at? My wife, to vent to? My dad, to cry to?

I opened up the back door to the sedan.  I had to see it for myself.  And then I saw it!

Their mother had bought her a Sea World fleece pullover, which had a zipper on the collar.  On the zipper, was a tail of an Orca whale attached as a zipper pull. 

"See, Dad! It's my whale tail!"

So, now, we refer to it as her "whale zipper."

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Sallman State Penitentiary

Being a good parent is a lot like running a penitentiary for the criminally insane.

The first step is to provide a secure, furnished environment. Not only to protect the inmates from each other and themselves, but also to keep the public out of harms way. There is nothing more depraved or frightening than a mob of toddlers and elementary aged kids together approaching an unsuspecting mass of shoppers in the local Wal-Mart, recreating a prison riot scene from "Oz", while parents are sprinting after them like bondsmen trying to protect an investment(Ironically, many people at Wal-Mart actually look like the cast from "Dog the Bounty Hunter). But most importantly, it is to protect the prisoners from the influence of the outside world. It is impossible to provide a place for growth and personal development when the problems of society are bombarded upon someone who is so easily influenced into bad decisions.

Next, funding. The warden is responsible for not only making sure that there is enough money flowing in to maintain the programs and overhead required for a smooth operation, but also for spending the money correctly. Unfortunately, most of us don't have a child like Andy Dufresne from "The Shawshank Redemption" who can cook the books to launder money through the prison. So, we have to scratch and pinch and make cuts as it is needed in order to provide the bare necessities. 

The third step is basic human needs. Three hots and a cot, medical care, and occasional "yard time." Television is regulated. Good behavior over the course of their time may afford the inmate more responsibilities and more freedoms. Take the trash out, get an extra 15 minutes in the phone. Punishments must be swift but fair. Assault another inmate, get some time in "solitary". Extra duties may result in cash deposited into commissary (AKA allowance)

There are many more connections that could be made. But you get the picture....

The biggest task is just to make sure that when they leave your care after an 18 year stretch, they are as socially functional and well-behaved as possible. 

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