A Woman's Bathroom is a Sacred Place.

A woman's bathroom is a frightening place for a man.  There is a vast array of machines, devices and tools that, to men, can resemble something like a terrorist interrogation kit.  The only thing that helps soften the look of these tortuous devices is the fact that they are now made smooth and bulky with purple and pink plastic pieces scattered throughout the design.  I remember my mom's equipment growing up.  The curling iron was straight, black and hot...much like a soldering iron, or a probe from "Total Recall."

The "fairer" sex doesn't seem to get a "fair" shake when it comes to daily preparation and grooming.  I have a medicine cabinet in my bathroom with two shelves.  All of my personal hygiene and grooming utensils fit on one shelf.  The second shelf is for random things that don't belong in a medicine cabinet: receipts and tissues from my pocket piled up, old razors that should have been tossed out years ago, and loose change.  My wife's bathroom, on the other hand, has an entire wall of electric devices and primping tools. Each item has its place carefully placed for a smooth daily routine.  A man has his pegboard in the garage. A woman has the shelf and drawers and cabinets in her bathroom.  It has the same maddening, chaotic organization as a militia member's personal arsenal.

What's even more frightening is the fact that they use the majority of these things on a daily basis.  I hear the roaring of the blow dryer, the clanking of makeup containers, and the clicking of different switches on a plethora of straighteners, curlers, teasers, and flatteners and a bunch of other "-ers". 

Meanwhile, I shave, brush my teeth and throw some pomade in my hair and I'm done. 

And that doesn't even include what's in her shower. Pre-wash lotions, body scrubs, foot scrubs, face scrubs, shampoo, conditioner, color treatment, body wash, exfoliates, loofahs, pumice stones, lady razors...she has an entire "Bath and Body Works" in her shower!  I have a bottle of "hair and body wash" in mine because, frankly, I'm just too lazy to have to open two bottles during my shower. 

And what is that thing that looks like a cheese grater?  I used her shower once and saw that thing.  After a while, I painfully ruled out some obviously incorrect uses....

Ask a woman, "Why do you do all that to yourself?"  Almost every time, she will tell you, "Because I want to feel pretty."  But I don't think that's the real reason...

It's really in hope that we men will TELL them that they are pretty.  You see, guys, we are the reason they put themselves through all of those processes everyday.  And we are so pompous and self-centered that we rarely acknowledge it.  We expect it, when in actuality, we should be thanking them every morning that they care so much for us that they would go through all of that for our hairy, stinky kind.  So, try to give them the response that they are hoping for...

"Honey, you are beautiful."

The Art of Gift Giving

There has been a common misunderstanding between men and women over the years: the idea that men are terrible at picking out gifts.  But there are some major circumstances that make it an extremely challenging task for us.

1: Men are practical gift shoppers.  When we look for a gift for anyone, especially our wives, we want to make sure it's something they need and can use.  But women seem to want things that make them feel special. And that's why we get you the "top of the line" electronic device or appliance. Because you are special. We save the generic, cut-rate electronics and appliances for those people for whom we don't really care. The large, deluxe Foreman Grill equals true love.  The $10 Sunbeam knock-off grill equals office "secret Santa."  We could have bought that diamond pendant necklace. But you don't need it...because you're so beautiful without all those unnecessary "accessories" that only only distract from your natural loveliness. (Did I mention that I'm in sales?)

2: Women always have a constant tab on their men. If I get off the sofa to get a glass of water, I automatically get the question, "Where are you going?"  My wife is always suspicious of me.  It's not that she doesn't trust me.  She just wants to know what I'm up to at all times.  It's impossible to sneak around to get anything. They know where you are and what you're doing every second of every day.  And if they don't know, they begin looking for you like they are investigating a murder at the White House.  So, gift shopping becomes a "beat the clock" situation.  Lunch breaks, emergency runs to the store for toilet paper, and on-line browsing become the only opportunities we get to actually shop for gift ideas. They wonder what we are always clicking out of...it's eBay, amazon or overstock.com.

And cell phones make it even more difficult, now. We are constantly forced to lie about where we are or the signal strength or battery life of our phone just to buy more time at the store. "Okay," we'll think to ourselves, "I told her I was twenty-five minutes from home, but I'm really only five minutes away at the store.  So, that means I only have twenty minutes to find something, pay for it and get it wrapped in the car.  If I shut my phone off and tell her my battery died, maybe I can squeeze an extra seven minutes in..." Which leads me to the next reason...
3: "Oh, honey, please don't get me anything."  Following that order is a mistake you only make once. But it's a loaded statement. If you don't buy anything, you'll hear about it.  If you do buy something, you'll hear about it.  But trust me, the latter is steeped in smiles and pleasant sighs.  But even though you know that she really wants something, she will stand by her statement and refuse to actually tell you what she wants.  So, this leaves all the burden of gift buying on the men and their ability to notice subtle hints.  Which is a incredibly daunting expectation.  We have the same capacity to figure out subtle hints as much as a woman does of figuring out why men insist on buying decorative accessories for their game console (if you must know, an X-Box doesn't look right without a custom-made college team faceplate).

Now, tie all these together to put it into full motion, and you'll see my most recent excursion into Valentine's Day gift shopping.

My wife said last month, "Let's not do anything for Valentine's Day." Immediately, I know I have to find a gift.  I, however, have learned the subtle hints.  For example, after Christmas, she said, "Please, don't buy me anything that plugs in from now on."  So, I'm thinking, "Okay...Something that needs batteries...A remote controlled model boat!"  But, last week, I saw that her curling iron was in the trash.  A curling iron plugs in...herein lies the dilemma...Suddenly, I had the brightest light bulb I'd ever had...I can't buy her anything that plugs in...but the  kids can!

So, yesterday, I picked kids up from the babysitter, and we quickly drove to the store. I shuffle them through the store as fast as we can.  I'm pulling on arms and jackets as little eyes get distracted by toys, movies, and video games, like I'm the foreman on a cattle ranch herding the latest stock into the corral.  I'm on a mission!  We circle through the cosmetic aisle and grab the replacement curling iron.  But it looks lonely.  I start grabbing lotions and bath gels.  "She likes to bathe, I'm sure."  I'm just about to haul my load of goodies (which, at this point, has had a candle and a card added to the purchase), and my almost catatonic children through the check-out.

And then I feel it:  My cell phone vibrating in my pocket.  I ignore it.  I know it's her, but I just need to get back to the car.  If I answer it now, she'll know we are in a store, and that raises questions.  If I can make it into the car, I can cover by saying I'm running late because of stoplights and traffic.  About one minute later, it vibrates again.  Now, I have to answer it.

"Hello?"

"Hey, honey.  Where are you?"

"Ummm...(mumbling) at the store."

"Why are you at the store?  I thought you were just picking up the kids."

"I just needed to pick up a few things."

"What are you picking up?  I just went to the store."

What do I say?  If I tell her what I'm buying, it will ruin the surprise.  If I don't tell her, then I have to spend more time going back to buy something that I can use as the excuse as to why I stopped...

"Just some stuff."

"Why can't you tell me what you're buying?"

"Because...Oh!  My phone is about to die.  I'll see you when I get home."

At this point, she knows what I'm up to...So, I have the kids sign the card as soon as we get in the car.  I am driving down the highway trying shove all these items into a gift bag and tuck tissue paper in between it all.  As soon as we get home, I can see she has been practicing "the speech."  If it something that she likes, she will say, "I thought I told you not to get me anything,"  with a big smile.  If it is something that she doesn't like, she will say, "I thought I told you not to get me anything"...with no smile.  The children present her with the bag, and as she opens it, she smiles.  A pampering kit, full of washes and lotions, a relaxation candle and a brand new curling iron, is apparently a great Valentine's Day gift...

...And, of course, the kids received all the credit...