The Grocery Store Hates Me

As a man, I am genetically predisposed to always fail when I am sent to the grocery store. I'm a pretty smart guy until I stroll through the automatic sliding doors at the local supermarket. It's almost as if the "woosh" sound I hear is not actually from the doors opening, but rather all capability for rationale and reasoning being wiped clean from my brain.

It's not that I don't want to do well. Really, I do...But for some reason that God will have to explain to me when I meet Him, I always forget something. Or I buy the wrong type of something. Or I get it wrong all together.

"What's this?"

"Lettuce. A head of lettuce...You wanted lettuce, right?"

"This is cabbage..."

"Oh..."

"It even says 'cabbage' on the plastic wrapper...How am I supposed to make salad?"

"Um...Cole slaw?"

Which would have been okay, if I had bought mayonnaise instead of Miracle Whip...

My trip usually goes something like this: She gives me a list and sometimes coupons. (By the way, men HATE coupons. We know it saves money, but it hurts our pride sometimes. But using coupons is public proof that we actually convinced someone to marry us. Kind of like buying feminine hygiene products. So, we let it slide). With list in hand, I enter the store. "Woosh" My mind is erased and I am reduced to blubbering pile of husband idiocy. I look down, and now all I have is a piece of paper with gibberish written on it.

So, the next hour is spent looking for things that I think she said she liked. But because of the constant funneling of Rod Stewart and Wilson Phillips through the store's PA system, I become even dumber. Now, I am just grabbing things at random.

Microwaveable burritos
Grape soda
Cat litter (we don't even have a cat)

And as I'm checking out in line, I start my defense in my head.

"I think some old lady swapped baskets with me by mistake. That's why there is so much Preparation H and denture adhesive." (in reality, I just got lost in the pharmacy aisles)

Or maybe I should just take it all back. But at this point, the checker, the bagger, and the family behind me are all staring at me like I just escaped from a mental hospital based off my purchases.

"Why would he need latex gloves, a tub of lard and a garden hose?"

No, I can't turn back now...So, I own it...And I proudly present my discount shopper card to the checker and say, "I do believe I just saved myself $.36 on that pack of pudding!"

When I get back to my car, I realize that I have made a huge error. And I know I will have to admit to my wife that she is right: I cannot go shopping by myself.

But, isn't that the key to a successful marriage? Being able to admit your weaknesses? That's one the reasons I love my wife so much. We truly do offset each other's short comings...She makes me better every day...