The Three Little Words Men Hate to Hear

There are three words that every man dreads hearing from his wife:  "I was thinking..."

You see, men have learned over the years that these three words usually mean that we will have to move, build, hang or buy something.  Usually, this conversation starts in bed, right before we fall asleep.  Women, especially wives, know we want nothing more than to end the conversation quickly so we can sleep.  So, we agree to anything they say just to end it.  The same goes for any TV program that we are actively watching.  Sports, war movies, TV shows about organized crime, or anything set in a pawn shop is a perfect opportunity for a wife to slip in the most insane requests from their husband.

"You know, I was thinking...we should build a canopy over the sofa in the living room...I saw it on Pintrest...Of course, that means we would have to use steel wires to hang the coffee table from the ceiling to complete the look.  We'll go to Home Depot tomorrow to pick out the supplies. Oh, and I will need you to paint a perfect replica of VanGogh's 'Starry Night' on the bathroom, as well..."

"Okay....Goodnight..."

It's really nice that they use the word "we" all the time, too.  That gives the illusion that it's a team effort...But in reality it's a "team" in the same sense that the Pharoah and the slaves were on same team when the pyramids were built...

The next morning, I wake up to a fresh pot of coffee and breakfast made.  That's how I know that something is horribly wrong. 

"Good morning, my love," my wife greets me with a chipper tone.  "Are you ready for the day?"

"Oh, no,"  I think to myself, "What did I promise last night?"

And then the whole conversation begins flooding back into my brain as if I was sobering up from an all night drinking bender, and all the poor decisions I had made became a jolting reality.

There is something about a woman's ability to direct a project that causes a man to long for the days of Basic Training.  At least in the military, the directions and consequences are clear and precise.  Here, it's riddled with "What do you think?" and "Do you have any ideas?"  All the while, I know deep down that any repsonse is going to be dismissed as wrong, but if I don't answer, I am accused of not engaging....

So, as the projects begin, I have to do my duty of constantly trying to remember something that I forgot at the store, just so I can leave for half-hour intervals at a time.  With enough luck, I may be able to waste enough time to get out of the majority of the work.  And it usually does.  The projects are put in the "forgotten" file. 

But the next week, just like in a horror movie, as I'm getting ready to fall asleep, I hear, "Baby, I was thinking..."

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