People often ask me, "How did you meet your wife?"
Now, there's two versions of this story. Her version and the truth.
Let me begin with my version. But before I do, you have to understand something about me...
I am a modern-day Adonis. Saturated with smoothness, I perspire a chemical that is collected by Pfizer to supply men around the world with an opportunity to have a chance to carry the manliness that is my existence, even if only for a few hours. My voice rolls off my tongue like honey off of a rose petal. Barry White winced with retreat the day I was born, knowing that his true rival had arrived. The words I speak on a regular basis can cause the eardrums of women to explode with passion and men to writhe in the agony of envy. I also have been deemed by the Geneva convention as a weapon of mass seduction. Imagine Billy D. Williams speaking into a velvet microphone and that oration being played through silk speakers and multiply that by 10,000 and you're still nowhere near what it is to have me spread the power of smooth...I've never been to college, but yet I carry a PhD in man-powered karate chops to the trachea and round-house kicks to the dome. Chuck Norris makes motivational pictures of me. And my thoughts are so deep, James Cameron has led an expedition in a tiny submarine to find the source of all my philosophical wisdom...I don't look directly at the camera when being photographed...And every time I walk into a crowded room, I release doves into the souls of everyone present...
It was a cold November night in 2006. My friend Mike and I went to "Jerry's Bait Shop" to listen to some live music. Mike was on the prowl. I, however, was not. I have always followed the motto: I am not one to pursue, but to be pursued...After a few drinks, letting down almost every girl's hopes with my gentle rejection and winning an arm-wrestling challenge from a biker named "Murder-Punch," I noticed a beautiful, young lady across the bar. I confidently approached her. My steps and my movements were so profound that the band started keeping their rhythm to me and their cover of "99 Red Balloons" morphed into a powerful mash-up of Al Green, Otis Redding and the Rolling Stones. They were presented with a Grammy instantaneously. I looked her right in the eyes and said...
To actually write what I said would violate the pact that I have with the universe. My power is only to be witnessed, not taught...But, I can tell you it involved the following phrases:
"Horse-drawn carriage of love..."
"I'm sorry if I seem too confident, but I have no choice..."
And, "Excuse me, for a second. But I have to flex on that dude abusing that poor woman..."
Next thing I know, I give her my number (because, Justin doesn't call the ladies, the ladies call him) and headed out to feed an orphanage full of blind babies..
But her version goes something like this....
I walked in unnoticed and sat quietly at the bar with my friend. She glances at me and wondered when the cute Guy would come talk to her. Finally, after receiving some not so subtle hints, I sat down next to her. After twenty minutes of silence, she initiated a conversation. We spoke for about ten minutes and she got up to go to the restroom. By the time she got back, my friend had almost gotten into a scuffle and I had to take him home. But before I did, I wrote my name and number on a napkin and begged and pleaded to her friend to have Gina call me. Which she did the next day...
I don't know about you, but I think we can all agree that nobody likes an exaggerated version of the truth, Gina!
Now, there's two versions of this story. Her version and the truth.
Let me begin with my version. But before I do, you have to understand something about me...
I am a modern-day Adonis. Saturated with smoothness, I perspire a chemical that is collected by Pfizer to supply men around the world with an opportunity to have a chance to carry the manliness that is my existence, even if only for a few hours. My voice rolls off my tongue like honey off of a rose petal. Barry White winced with retreat the day I was born, knowing that his true rival had arrived. The words I speak on a regular basis can cause the eardrums of women to explode with passion and men to writhe in the agony of envy. I also have been deemed by the Geneva convention as a weapon of mass seduction. Imagine Billy D. Williams speaking into a velvet microphone and that oration being played through silk speakers and multiply that by 10,000 and you're still nowhere near what it is to have me spread the power of smooth...I've never been to college, but yet I carry a PhD in man-powered karate chops to the trachea and round-house kicks to the dome. Chuck Norris makes motivational pictures of me. And my thoughts are so deep, James Cameron has led an expedition in a tiny submarine to find the source of all my philosophical wisdom...I don't look directly at the camera when being photographed...And every time I walk into a crowded room, I release doves into the souls of everyone present...
It was a cold November night in 2006. My friend Mike and I went to "Jerry's Bait Shop" to listen to some live music. Mike was on the prowl. I, however, was not. I have always followed the motto: I am not one to pursue, but to be pursued...After a few drinks, letting down almost every girl's hopes with my gentle rejection and winning an arm-wrestling challenge from a biker named "Murder-Punch," I noticed a beautiful, young lady across the bar. I confidently approached her. My steps and my movements were so profound that the band started keeping their rhythm to me and their cover of "99 Red Balloons" morphed into a powerful mash-up of Al Green, Otis Redding and the Rolling Stones. They were presented with a Grammy instantaneously. I looked her right in the eyes and said...
To actually write what I said would violate the pact that I have with the universe. My power is only to be witnessed, not taught...But, I can tell you it involved the following phrases:
"Horse-drawn carriage of love..."
"I'm sorry if I seem too confident, but I have no choice..."
And, "Excuse me, for a second. But I have to flex on that dude abusing that poor woman..."
Next thing I know, I give her my number (because, Justin doesn't call the ladies, the ladies call him) and headed out to feed an orphanage full of blind babies..
But her version goes something like this....
I walked in unnoticed and sat quietly at the bar with my friend. She glances at me and wondered when the cute Guy would come talk to her. Finally, after receiving some not so subtle hints, I sat down next to her. After twenty minutes of silence, she initiated a conversation. We spoke for about ten minutes and she got up to go to the restroom. By the time she got back, my friend had almost gotten into a scuffle and I had to take him home. But before I did, I wrote my name and number on a napkin and begged and pleaded to her friend to have Gina call me. Which she did the next day...
I don't know about you, but I think we can all agree that nobody likes an exaggerated version of the truth, Gina!
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