I firmly believe that parents maintain a slow decent into stupidity. As your kids get older and learn more, the dumber your own thoughts become. Perhaps this is why teenagers believe emphatically that their parents are "so dumb." Because they are so dumb. Because YOU made them that way! Over sixteen years, the task of raising you has sucked any possibility of logical and rational thoughts from their brain.
Before children, I read novels. I went to museums. I enjoyed independent films and music. I used to watch the History Channel and offer deep insight during debates about U.S. foreign policies...
But, over the last ten years, my reading list has removed the classics such as "Great Expectations," "Of Mice and Men," and "Dirty Jokes and Beer" (It's still funny even after watching Drew Carey's professional self-destruction by hosting The Price Is Right). And in their stead, I have been reduced to anything published by Scholastic. The closest thing I've come to as far as an art museum since my oldest was born is the display of scribbles on any piece of paper that little hands can reach in my house. Which makes it difficult to conduct any personal business at all. "Yes, sir, my insurance policy number is 581ZA-duck-pony-sailboat...(deep sigh)...I'll have to call you back..." And the only music or movies I enjoy during waking hours of the day involve talking animals or cars or shoes or houses or really just about anything that shouldn't talk. The only news broadcast that I have the pleasure of hearing is the weather. And that's only to know how to dress the kids for the day.
And, so, it is only natural that we will slowly digress into childish thinking. Words escape us. Logic is incomprehensible. Even our taste in food slides backwards. I have gotten to the point where Froot Loops are my preferred breakfast cereal in the morning. And with this devolution, I have caught myself thinking the dumbest thoughts I've ever thought. Thoughts that I would have had when I was still very young and developing. It's endearing in a small child. But it's frightening in adults.
Let me explain. Today, while I was driving to pick the kids up from school, I passed a restaurant. And immediately upon reading the name, I thought to myself, "That sounds either extremely disgusting, or fantastically delicious." And I continued to dwell on this for about two blocks before I realized that "Spin! Neapolitan Pizza" probably didn't mean "chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla pizza." Seriously, that was a sincere thought that entertained my brain for more than five minutes.
As you look back at your own parents and some of the things they did or said, just remember...You made them that way. Did you ever catch your dad grilling hot dogs, wearing nothing but a bath robe and a pair of boots in the middle of winter? Perhaps, he was diminished to that level from the years of the insufferable Barney. Remember the time that you saw your mom putting scratch'n'sniff Rainbow Bright stickers on the wall of the coat closet? Ever hear them talk about the rise of the Ottoman Empire and how comfortable it must have been? That's all you, baby! Not enough proof? Think back to your mid-twenties. Were your parents not so much more normal once you had been out of the house for a few years. Of course! They had time to re-mature back into adults.
So, don't fret. Even though you catch yourself looking at Nickelodeon as a major television network or hear yourself saying "I like to fill my bathtub with gumballs and pretend that it's a race car," just know that soon, in the next few years, you too will be able to become a fully-functioning member of society again.
Before children, I read novels. I went to museums. I enjoyed independent films and music. I used to watch the History Channel and offer deep insight during debates about U.S. foreign policies...
But, over the last ten years, my reading list has removed the classics such as "Great Expectations," "Of Mice and Men," and "Dirty Jokes and Beer" (It's still funny even after watching Drew Carey's professional self-destruction by hosting The Price Is Right). And in their stead, I have been reduced to anything published by Scholastic. The closest thing I've come to as far as an art museum since my oldest was born is the display of scribbles on any piece of paper that little hands can reach in my house. Which makes it difficult to conduct any personal business at all. "Yes, sir, my insurance policy number is 581ZA-duck-pony-sailboat...(deep sigh)...I'll have to call you back..." And the only music or movies I enjoy during waking hours of the day involve talking animals or cars or shoes or houses or really just about anything that shouldn't talk. The only news broadcast that I have the pleasure of hearing is the weather. And that's only to know how to dress the kids for the day.
And, so, it is only natural that we will slowly digress into childish thinking. Words escape us. Logic is incomprehensible. Even our taste in food slides backwards. I have gotten to the point where Froot Loops are my preferred breakfast cereal in the morning. And with this devolution, I have caught myself thinking the dumbest thoughts I've ever thought. Thoughts that I would have had when I was still very young and developing. It's endearing in a small child. But it's frightening in adults.
Let me explain. Today, while I was driving to pick the kids up from school, I passed a restaurant. And immediately upon reading the name, I thought to myself, "That sounds either extremely disgusting, or fantastically delicious." And I continued to dwell on this for about two blocks before I realized that "Spin! Neapolitan Pizza" probably didn't mean "chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla pizza." Seriously, that was a sincere thought that entertained my brain for more than five minutes.
As you look back at your own parents and some of the things they did or said, just remember...You made them that way. Did you ever catch your dad grilling hot dogs, wearing nothing but a bath robe and a pair of boots in the middle of winter? Perhaps, he was diminished to that level from the years of the insufferable Barney. Remember the time that you saw your mom putting scratch'n'sniff Rainbow Bright stickers on the wall of the coat closet? Ever hear them talk about the rise of the Ottoman Empire and how comfortable it must have been? That's all you, baby! Not enough proof? Think back to your mid-twenties. Were your parents not so much more normal once you had been out of the house for a few years. Of course! They had time to re-mature back into adults.
So, don't fret. Even though you catch yourself looking at Nickelodeon as a major television network or hear yourself saying "I like to fill my bathtub with gumballs and pretend that it's a race car," just know that soon, in the next few years, you too will be able to become a fully-functioning member of society again.
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