Say, What?

One of the beautiful things about being a parent is the opportunity to construct sentences you would otherwise never be able to say...

"Hey!  If you want to watch Veggietales, get the disc...Don't try to shove a cucumber into the DVD player!"

"Yes, you're right.  A T-Rex could probably beat Spiderman in a fight..unless he teamed up with the Hulk...Wait!  Are we talking 'prison rules'?"

"The dog does NOT need a mustache..."

"Get out of the washing machine!"

"Look what's for breakfast! Green eggs and Ham!

"Who put Mater in the toilet?"

"Fine!  Just go ahead and try to fit in between the banister rails.  But don't get mad when I have to
grease your head up to get it out!"

"Can you wait a second?  I can't change your diaper while frying bacon...You'll get burned!"

"I don't know why sometimes I cry while drinking my 'special' coffee in the morning..."

"Yeah, man, I would like to come out with you guys tonight to see the Violent Femmes, but I just warmed up some Spongebob shaped Chef Boyardi and getting ready to snuggle up n the counch to the latest Pixar DVD...OOOH! Great Idea! Why don't you come over here instead?"

"What in the hell is Totoro?"

"What are you doing?  You can't eat frozen juice concentrate from the can with a spoon!..."  (Note:  This is sentence was actually spoken to my son using my wife as a proxy while she was pregnant.)

"I don't care if she's my daughter and I don't care how much shes set her heart on it, I am her father and I am NOT dressing up like a kitty cat for Halloween...Fine!  But I'm not wearing the tights!...What?  Tights, too?...Okay, fine!"

"I guess daddy IS as pretty as a princess..."

"Transformers are NOT going to blow up your school....Now, go back to sleep..."

"I think the 'Diary of a Wimpy Kid' movies are the best films that have come out in the last few years."

"Well, babies don't start out eating baby food.  They start by drinking milk...from the mommy...Well...You know how cows feed the calves?....Yes, that's right with their 'sprayers'...."

I'm a "Dork!"

I am now, officially, in the words of my two oldest children, "a dork."  And, even though it stings a bit to hear that piece of nomenclature drivel out of my kids' mouths, I am kind of okay with it.  I'm sure, there will be a lot more names thrown my way by them in the next ten years.

I've always been close with my children, and they have always appreciated my ability to act their age.  But the school years have hit and they have begun to slowly get consumed by their peers' and the elementary culture's belief that they must "fit in."  You can see it in their faces, especially Danny, that it's confusing.  They act silly at home; pretending to be dinosaurs in the living room.  But when they are waiting with their classmates in the pick-up line in front of their school, they are cracking jokes and sharing secret handshakes.  When it's time to climb in the car, they have a "cool kid" walk, as if they have to show their friends that the only reason they are leaving is because they have to...

I find it humorous now.  But I'm sure, as the years go by, it will become exponentially worse.  Eye rolling, sighs and "whatevers" are in the visible future.

I know we are supposed to tell our kids, "Be yourself."  And that's true.  We don't want our children to hide behind false images, as it could stifle personal growth and the possibilities of their future.  Also, I want my children to have the integrity to stand up for what they believe in. 

But for now, a little while longer, there are times when I definitely do not want them to be themselves.  If kids under the age of 12 were themselves all the time, the rate of alcoholic parents would increase 1200%.  Could you imagine, boys just peeing on trees...in the lobby of the bank?  Or a large group of girls just standing in a circle having a contest to see who could shriek longer and louder?  And the constant need to do impersonations of their favorite anime martial arts characters all day...every day...

Fitting in is a hopeless pursuit, anyways.  Like trying to get a cat to look at itself in the mirror.  We work so hard our entire self-aware life to be a piece of the intricate clockwork of society, only to realize years after its too late that we are just as awkward (if not more) than we were at the beginning.  I remember my school years were filled with deciding what clothes would be acceptable, what activities to participate in that would not get me ridiculed and what kind of accessories could make my car look cooler.  Ultimately, I was a "theatre geek" who drove a Chevy Celebrity and wore cartoon t-shirts under flannel shirts.  Suffice it to say, I never really achieved the "fitting in" status. 

So, perhaps that's why we insist on telling our kids to be themselves.  We are afraid of reliving our own bumbling, awkward, and trivial attempts to fit in vicariously through our children.  And, of course, in the eyes of the young, parents don't get it. So, the kids will continue to attempt to fit in and, ultimately, put themselves into embarrassing situations.

But there is a threshold that must be passed by our kids before we, as parents, should really encourage them to be themselves.  I guess it's when they hit the age when "themselves" isn't annoying.  And that is the day that we become annoying to them.  And we are called "dorks." 

But can a dork recite all of the scrolling text from all of the Star Wars movies?  Or would a dork know that you can sing Emily Dickinson's "Because I Could Not Stop for Death" to the tune of "Gilligan's Island".  (I know you're doing it on your head right now).  Or is a dork someone who can make himself laugh at an elephant fart joke?

...Well, yes...

But a dork to children is just an adult who is being himself.

Kids are not nerdy enough

I fear for our youth.  And I'm not talking about a deep fear of social destruction or drugs and alcohol or even the collapse of financial institutions.  These are, of course, something to worry about.  No, I'm referring to the fear that our children will not be "nerdy" enough to make an impact on the world as they mature.

Star Wars.  When I was growing up, Star Wars was in our blood.  We had the action figures, the blankets, even the underoos.  We battled with light sabers (cardboard tubes) in the living room.  The neighborhood kids would ride their bikes in a perfect X-Wing formation down the street, blasting any tie-fighters (neighborhood animals and girls) we could lock our sights on.  Flashlights could be used to display a hologram on the wall to warn rebel sympathizers of an oncoming attack from the Empire. ("Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi.  You're my only hope.")  The two-seater swing with loop handles on the metal swing set in  the back yard made a perfect 74-Z Speeder Bike from the forest moon of Endor chase scene in The Return of the Jedi.  And of course, I was always Han Solo and our dog, Odie, was Chewbaca and we would sit underneath the picnic table on the patio and we would make "special modifications."  Sure, she didn't look like much, but she would make "point five past light speed." 

As my generation grew up, we started seeing these things slowly coming to a mild reality for us.  Touch-screen tablets that were obviously replicas of the control panel from an Imperial Cruiser.  Blue tooth technology became a communicator device that was a viable tool for our generation.  Laser scalpels in the O.R. are a nod to the preferred weapon of the Jedi knight.  And robots vacuuming your house?  I mean, come on!  Even the GPS in my car has taken on the role of droid navigator in my Millennium Falcon (Okay, it's a silver KIA, but I still like to pretend).

Note:  The only problem with my GPS is the fact that I don't listen to it.  Probably, because it has a woman's voice.  "I know you want me to turn left, Karen, but I know a short cut.  So, why don't you just sit right there, suction-cupped to my dash, and continue to sound adorable."  And I can't get over the attitude she gives when I ignore her.  "Recalculating."  I can almost hear the eye-rolling and a subtle "jackass" under her breath.

Vampires. pirates and wizards.  I can't think of any more humiliating genres for kids to have for mental and social provocation.  I can understand, slightly, the allure of pirates, as it can prepare children for an post-apocalyptic world in which they will be forced to loot and fight for survival.  And a lot of wizard story lines have included the science behind the mysticism, so there might be an opportunity for young minds to explore the possibility of what now seems like magic into some sort of substantial break-throughs.  When you think about it, centuries ago, the ability to conduct simple physics-based parlor tricks was perceived as witchcraft. 

But everything about these genres creates a dreary, morose look at life.  I guess that says a lot about the outlook of today's youth.  "Emo" is not only accepted, but actually a mainstream identity for lots of kids.  I remember when these kids were the social outcasts and seen as misfits.  All black clothes, dyed hair, and a attitude filled with so much apathy that it could suck the life force out of Richard Simmons.  "Nothing matters."  The un-dead, the cold, stone castle schools, and rickety sailing vessels wandering the unknown earth filled with criminals and miscreants...Even with the oppression of the Empire, we still had the possibility of "A New Hope."

Now don't get me wrong.  The Nerds of my day were not seen as mainstream, either.  But we had a direction with the fantasy of possibilities.  We saw cool things that were yet to be created, and we made them.  The true technological revolution was made by the wide-eyed kids from thirty years ago watching the scrolling text fly across the screen and imagining the day when these things could be a real life occurrence. 

Now, if only I could get a set of Gamorrean guards to walk with my daughter when she enters the teen years...

Do You Take This Man?

"Do you take this man?"

That is such a tricky question for women on their wedding day.  Most women don't think about the impact of these words.  My wife answered this question emphatically...But I think as the next few years progressed, she changed her mind.  Not to say that she regretted marrying me.  Rather, the definition of "this" man.

Men are, for an easy explanation, simple.  We process one thing at a time.  We laugh at fart jokes.  We like anything that involves speed and/or destruction.  We will dress our children in whatever is on top in their drawers without thought of whether it fits or matches.  We put our forks and spoons into the dishwasher in whatever direction we are holding them at the time.  We sort clothes on laundry day by what we need the most (sweaters, blue jeans, towels and underwear all in the same load).  When we say, "Nothing," in response to a question about what we are thinking, we mean just that: nothing.

And these things drive women gonzo.  And so, men are a constant project for improvement to women.  We have gone our entire lives thinking that what we are doing is correct.  And it is the job of the woman to re-train us and break the news slowly that we are not .  Video games are no longer hobbies.  Instead, window shopping trips to Bed, Bath and Beyond have replaced leading a platoon against a horde of advancing Nazis.  Clipping toenails is apparently not an event to be shared in the public view of the living room.  And, of course, failing to dust every nook and cranny will eventually cause the frame to snap into pieces and the house to collapse upon itself. 

But when we stand on that altar, we haven't been taught yet.  That's why our smile is wide and goofy on that day.  We are receiving, in our minds, a public acceptance to our behaviors.  "I take THIS man."  If we knew that a clean garage would fall entirely on our shoulders and that we were not going to be allowed to maintain our paralyzing fear of spiders, our face might show a little more self-preparation and awareness.  Like Evel Knievel getting ready to make the largest jump of his life, the groom would take a couple hops, shake his arms and give a large breath of determination.  "Let's do this!" would more likely be their response rather than "I do."

I believe that the questions in the wedding ceremony should be altered: 

"Do you promise to take this man, and make him better and a more productive member of society?  To have (working on projects around the house) and to hold (accountable for all of his shortcomings) for as long as you both shall live? (Which, statistically for him, will be longer, because he won't end up injuring himself doing something insanely stupid.)"

"And, do you take her as your wife.  To have (to tell you to do the most obvious of tasks just to make sure you survive another day) and to hold (her purse as she parades you around from antique store to craft show to women's clothing department in an attempt to demonstrate what 'style' is) as long as you both shall live? (Which, statistically for her, will be shorter than you, as she will use so much energy just trying to keep you functioning.)"

Or perhaps when asked, "Do you take this man?"  The woman's response should simply be, "Well, not THIS man.  But the man I'm going to turn him into?  Sure!"

The Science of Love

A few years back, a group of astro-physicists at MIT tried to put together a formula to figure out whether or not a planet could sustain life and potentially have intelligent beings.  First, they would use Earth as a model (Distance from the sun, rate of rotation and the amount of days in a "year").  Using those figures, they would, rather than speculate on each celestial orb individually, use a process of elimination to narrow it down.  After scratching out many known planets based off of size, density, and those parameters of Earth as a model, they were able to conclude that only one planet could possibly even sustain life on the level that we know.  And then the chance of an evolved species that resembles humans would be highly unlikely, due to the projected age of the planet.

Now, I know that this seems very "nerdy" and you are probably wondering what this has to do with marriage, kids, family, life, etc...

But I bring this up to demonstrate how difficult it is to find a partner that will not only be compatible with you, but also one who will also find you attractive as a mate.

I met my wife in the Kansas City area.  When I tell people that, they say, "Well, it's easy to find love in the city."  But they are wrong.

If you use the MIT formula when talking about finding "the one," it actually seems improbable. 

First, start with population.  The greater Kansas City area has an estimated population of 2,136,653.  If you immediately remove males (47%) from this total, the amount drops dramatically to 1,132,426.  Odds still seem good, right? 

But then you have to figure in women not interested in men (12.2%).  Now, you are down to 996,534.  Almost a million!  Awesome right?  Wrong!

Because now you have to factor in age.  Let's say you want to find someone between 25-35 years old.  That leaves you only 17.2% (171,404).

The rest will dwindle down based on your own personal preferences.  Height, weight, religion, race, hair color, education, political affiliation and other factors will all narrow your options even more, until you have decided what exactly your "perfect spouse" is.  And after all this numerical dust has settled, there are approximately 3 people who are a perfect match.

But then there is the question:

Are you what those three women are looking for?  If they are looking for a guy over six feet who can dance, speaks perfect Russian and makes six figures, you may be out of luck.

And even if you find someone who meets these superficial parameters, your backgrounds and personality still have to be cohesive.  The fact is, you just may not like them...

I have seen a lot of people "settle." Settle down, settle in, settle with...Because they couldn't find what they were looking for.  And it's sad...

That's why I wake up blessed everyday.  When I say I have found "The One," I mean it.  I love my wife. Everything about her.  Gina is everything I could ever ask for in a wife.  And, based off of what she has told me, I am her idea of a "perfect" husband.  We are not perfect, and our life may not be perfect, either.  But we are perfect for each other...

32 Things I've Learned in My Life

Yesterday was my 32nd birthday.  I was sitting and thinking about my life and everything I have experienced.  And with everything I've learned, this list pretty much sums up the highlights. 

1.  The "Macaroni Grill" will not actually grill macaroni...no matter how much you plead.

2.  Paper towels and Saran wrap are NOT a proper substitute for a diaper.  (At least, according to the angry comments on Pintrest.)

3.  Wile E. Coyote is full of crap.  There's no way to launch yourself off of a giant slingshot and land on skates and fly down the highway.  But my daughter got a really cool cast out of it...
4.  Roger Melville from Dayton...That's who put the "ram" in the "Ram-a-lama-ding-dong."  Surprisingly enough, he had nothing to do with the "bop."

5.  Just because you've watched "Rio" a thousand times with your two year old, that doesn't mean you know how to dance to Samba...A lesson I learned publicly...

6.  The ORIGINAL, and only REAL trilogy: "A Fistful of Dollars", "For a Few Dollars More", and "The Good, The Bad and the Ugly."

7.  If you ever wonder if your wife really wants to be with you, just remember that she has changed the pillow cases on your pillows.  She has seen your pillow without the cover.  If she can look at what secretes from your skull every night and not run immediately in revulsion, she's there for the long haul.  I mean, really...it's disgusting...

8.  Coke beats Pepsi. 7up beats Sprite.  Mountain Dew beats everything...except beer...

9.  The best gift you can ever receive is the laugh of a child.

10.  Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.  (Ex. I once made a tuna salad and bologna sandwich.)

11.  Make your best friend your spouse.  Don't try to make your spouse your best friend.

12.  If you can ask your boss for a raise/promotion, and get it, but you don't, you are an idiot.

13.  Good things come to those who wait...unless you're talking about changing a diaper.

14. Your wife LOVES it when you dump cold water on her when taking a shower.

15.  Men are genetically predisposed to grill meat and make chili better than women.

16.  The "hot dog dance" on "The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse" is performed by They Might Be Giants, and, therefore, is cool to have downloaded to your mp3 player.

17.  Nobody has an attractive pinky toe.

18.  I will never undertsand the allure of the "Real Housewives" show.

19.  I do NOT have the ability to pull off shorts with the word "JUICY" written across the back.

20.  The best Blues and BBQ joint in KC:  B.B.'s Lawnside

21.  Having children is like having the worst roommates ever.  They will keep you up all night, eat all your food, never pick up after themselves and expect you to drive them everywhere. 

22.  Crack is whack!  (Sidenote:  My oldest told me a joke last week:  "Why did the man need a new butt?  Because his had a crack in it.")

23.  I do, and will always, believe in the Nicene Creed.

24.  I have the uncanny ability to read a person's mind.  By that, I mean I can tell when they are angry at me.  Like when I am trying to learn Cantonese....at the ATM...

25.  Meeting an "animal person" for the first time is a total let down from what you have imagined.  (They don't have a tail.  Their house just smells funny.)

26.  A "honey-do" is not a suggestion.

27.  What do I really want to do with my life?  I WANNA ROCK!

28.  I can control the weather.  Simply by going to an amusement park, I can make it rain unexpectedly.

29.  My children are smarter, funnier, and more beautiful than your kids...

30.  Best dip in the world?  Bacon Horseradish

31.  If you ever want to end a fight with your wife in your favor, you have to start crying before she does.

32.  My life has been blessed by God.  He has given me my wife, my children, my family and my friends.  Without them, I would not be the man I am today.

The Anatomy of a Father/ Husband

Here is a brief rundown of the physical characteristics of the modern Father/ Husband

Hair: A dad's hair is generally cut short in style.  Not because it was "time to grow up."  But, rather, for the same reason MMA ultimate cage fighters keep their hair short.  It reduces the ability for hair pulling during tantrums.  A lot of moms of multiple children will also sport this cut.  Grey hair starts to sprout quickly, usually after the second child.  I'm 31 with three kids and I'm about 50% grey.  Some people say it's "sophisticated."  They fail to say, however, that they are not referring to the human personality trait definition of the word, meaning "worldly and of refined nature."  How they really mean "sophisticated" is the technical meaning of the word; complex and baffling. (i.e. "The Central Nervous System is very sophisticated in design.")

The hairline of the husband also recedes a fraction of an inch every year.  This is most likely caused from sitting with head in hands, rubbing his temples with deep conflict, seriously trying to decipher what his wife was really saying.

Face: The face shows the signs of parenthood and marriage in multiple ways.  Forehead lines are caused by the constant confused look they display after walking into a room where kids are playing and thinking, "What in the world happened in here?  How did those get up there? And, don't they realize how disgusting that is?"

Heavy jowls and slightly bloated cheeks are caused by eating actual meals with the wife instead of the bachelor food of macaroni and cheese, ramen noodles and chicken nuggets.  More weight settles in after having kids from constantly finishing anything left in their dishes (especially when they're eating macaroni and cheese, ramen noodles and chicken nuggets).

Crow's feet are deep and pronounced from the huge amounts of smiling, laughing and crying on an hourly basis.

Neck and Shoulders: The neck of a father is usually tilted down to address a small person asking insane question or stating an obvious observation.  "Yes, son. As a matter of fact, I did know that cats say meow.  Now, can we get out of the crosswalk?"  The husband's neck is usually tilted to one side, as they try to figure out what their wife just rambled on about for the last fifteen minutes.  A group of husband-fathers together look like Robin Williams' patients in "Awakenings": Heads tilted down and to the side, just sitting there...maybe a little drool...

The shoulders of fathers and husbands are slightly stooped but strong as an ox.  This comes from years of piggyback rides and lifting boxes of decorations from the basement every month.  The really experienced dads can do both at the same time.

Arms and Torso:  As mentioned above in "face" and "shoulders", diet and constant physical activity affects this part of the body.  But the problem lies in the fact that they both battle it out in a glorious, epic war; the likes of which have only been seen in the CGI effects of the LOTR trilogy. (That's "Lord of the Rings" for you non-geeks out there...)  Lifting and physical activity has always maintained control of the middle earth.  But the dark wizard,"healthy appetite," has created a army of pudginess that has slowly been growing in the mountains of "Pectoris."  The evil "Man Boob" resistance eventually charges south in a violent clash.  Ultimately, the hero "Exercise" stands alone on the abdomen and yells, "You shall not pass!"  But, sadly, it will ultimately succumb to the power of snacks and be tossed into a deep, dark pit of despair.   Unlike Gandalf, however, fitness will most likely not make a return in time to help defeat the attacking armies.

Waist:  A father and husband will still try to fit into their size 32 pants, well after that digit has passed them by.  You see, unlike women, men do not address weight gain proactively.  I've never heard a man say, "I think I'm gaining weight."  Denial is so deeply rooted that they will convince themselves that their clothes have been shrinking a little bit each year.  Until, finally, a seam splits or a button pops off from the sheer resistant force that it has been storing.  Even then, the husband-father will wear the pants until they are given new ones for a holiday or birthday.  But, subconsciously, the man is aware of the gain, as they unwittingly stop buying Levi's or any other brand that demands to put the measurements on the back of the pants.  I think that little apparel device was invented by women.  With the same mindset as looking at the back of a greeting card to see the brand and whether or not it's of value, they will check out a guys posterior and say, "Oh, he's nice.  And a great smile...Oh, wait! 40?  Oh, I don't think so!"

Hands: The hands of any true man are soft and smooth, regardless of occupation or trade.  That's because they are constantly using lotion after a little one's bath or on their wife's legs.  His hands usually have random cuts and scrapes from...Well, we still don't know where.  Perhaps from household repairs.  Maybe from trying to open children's toy packaging.  But some experts believe it's from unconsciously trying to tunnel an escape in their sleep.

Legs and Feet:  Always in pain.  And always cold...Just ask any wife.  A wife's feet would be cold all the time, if they weren't shoved underneath a man's butt on the couch.  Some men may experience bald patches on their feet as well from having their wife rub their feet incessantly against the man's underneath the covers.



So, now that you can identify the physical characteristics of the modern day husband/father, you may be able to understand their condition and offer help when needed.  This is a serious plight and they need your assistance!

Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged Yourself

When you see that parent at the store completely melting down and screaming at their kids, please don't judge...what you may not understand is that prior to the store visit, their day went like this:


3:22 am - Oldest child wakes them up to ask why the dinosaurs didn't just put on some sweaters.

5:00 am - Youngest one wants waffles and a banana...right now!

5:05 am - Realizes there are no waffles...and only one old, brown, slimy banana.

5:15 am - Youngest is still screaming for a waffle. Middle child comes down saying, "I could really go for a waffle."

5:17 am - Also realizes that they are also out of coffee filters.

5:20 am - Light bulb! Presses fingertips into toast to make waffles and "MacGyvers" a wet wipe as a coffee filter. Sure it tastes funny, but it's saving lives right now.

6:27 am - Oldest decides to try to give Elmo a mohawk and mutton chops with permanent marker...Oh, did I forget to mention it was the Elmo on baby's diaper?...Now, youngest is wailing like a hound dog.

7:30ish am - Losing focus...combination of fatigue, frustration, and confusion causing "tunnel vision of rage."  Middle child decides to change outgoing voicemail message on phone that says, "This is daddy's phone. He'll call you back when he's done pooping...so that could be a while. So don't hold your breath...Actually, do hold your breath, because he's really stinky, too."

8:15 am - Finishing shopping list. Subconscious obviously held control, because between eggs and milk, the word "HELP" is scrawled across the page in big, bold, and rather concerning letters. In the background, a large crash and the scurrying of feet are heard.

8:35 am - Trying to get 5-minute shower taken. Twice, parent is asked if a child can use bathroom. Twice responds, "Just don't flush."  Three times the toilet flushes.

8:50 am - Trying to get kids dressed for shopping trip. Oldest and middle are sent upstairs to dress themselves. Oldest comes down in shorts and tank top, even though he knows its December.  Middle comes down in white tights and white pajama shirt.  Youngest has taken this mid-diaper changing distraction to run away from parent, peeing and sprinting all around the living room.

10:20 am - Wait!  It's actually 9:20.  Oldest decided that he determines when daylight savings time begins.

9:37 am - Kids all bundled up ready to walk out the door.  Middle announces that she has to go to the bathroom.  Parent asks oldest if he has to. "No."

10:00 am - Pull into store parking lot.

10:10 am - Oldest has accident on way to bathroom as soon as they walk in the store.  The entire clan is piled back into car.

10:30 am - Getting kids back into car after oldest changes pants.  Parent realizes the baby's head is oblong...or at least it looks that way through tearful, delirious eyes.

10:56 am - Back in front of store.

11:24 am  - Shopping is going eerily well...but like a Vietnam vet, parent is alert and on guard, but maintains the "thousand yard stare."  And then it happens.  The store, in their infinite wisdom has placed the toys, bikes and fish all in perfect order.  All three children begin to squeal and scream.

As the parent watches the inevitable decent into a three-way temper tantrum, they have to make a decision:

The day is only half over.  Do they try to "eye of the tiger" through the next 8 hours and just remain calm?  Or they could put the fear of God into each child by flying off into a tangent which, more than likely, will consist of the words "I'll cut your heads off!"  Yes, there are witnesses.  But the parent only sees them as "parent advocates," hoping that any other parent in the store will say "That poor soul..."

Now, there is a way to bypass this entire process.  It all comes down to preparation. 

Just like your parents did, you need to have your pre-grocery store speech prepared to make shopping quick and efficient.

"Now listen, we're going in here, and I don't want to hear anything from you about what you want or need.  And only one kid in the cart.  And keep your hands to yourself.  And if you have to pee you better tell me while we are still up front by the restrooms.  And you better act right and not act crazy.  Because, just remember, I only wanted two kids, but I had three because I knew there would be a day when I might have to kill one you for acting like a lunatic in the grocery store."

So, the next time you witness the freak-out firsthand, simply walk up to the parent, place your hand on their shoulder and say "It's okay."