Here is a brief rundown of the physical characteristics of the modern Father/ Husband
Hair: A dad's hair is generally cut short in style. Not because it was "time to grow up." But, rather, for the same reason MMA ultimate cage fighters keep their hair short. It reduces the ability for hair pulling during tantrums. A lot of moms of multiple children will also sport this cut. Grey hair starts to sprout quickly, usually after the second child. I'm 31 with three kids and I'm about 50% grey. Some people say it's "sophisticated." They fail to say, however, that they are not referring to the human personality trait definition of the word, meaning "worldly and of refined nature." How they really mean "sophisticated" is the technical meaning of the word; complex and baffling. (i.e. "The Central Nervous System is very sophisticated in design.")
The hairline of the husband also recedes a fraction of an inch every year. This is most likely caused from sitting with head in hands, rubbing his temples with deep conflict, seriously trying to decipher what his wife was really saying.
Face: The face shows the signs of parenthood and marriage in multiple ways. Forehead lines are caused by the constant confused look they display after walking into a room where kids are playing and thinking, "What in the world happened in here? How did those get up there? And, don't they realize how disgusting that is?"
Heavy jowls and slightly bloated cheeks are caused by eating actual meals with the wife instead of the bachelor food of macaroni and cheese, ramen noodles and chicken nuggets. More weight settles in after having kids from constantly finishing anything left in their dishes (especially when they're eating macaroni and cheese, ramen noodles and chicken nuggets).
Crow's feet are deep and pronounced from the huge amounts of smiling, laughing and crying on an hourly basis.
Neck and Shoulders: The neck of a father is usually tilted down to address a small person asking insane question or stating an obvious observation. "Yes, son. As a matter of fact, I did know that cats say meow. Now, can we get out of the crosswalk?" The husband's neck is usually tilted to one side, as they try to figure out what their wife just rambled on about for the last fifteen minutes. A group of husband-fathers together look like Robin Williams' patients in "Awakenings": Heads tilted down and to the side, just sitting there...maybe a little drool...
The shoulders of fathers and husbands are slightly stooped but strong as an ox. This comes from years of piggyback rides and lifting boxes of decorations from the basement every month. The really experienced dads can do both at the same time.
Arms and Torso: As mentioned above in "face" and "shoulders", diet and constant physical activity affects this part of the body. But the problem lies in the fact that they both battle it out in a glorious, epic war; the likes of which have only been seen in the CGI effects of the LOTR trilogy. (That's "Lord of the Rings" for you non-geeks out there...) Lifting and physical activity has always maintained control of the middle earth. But the dark wizard,"healthy appetite," has created a army of pudginess that has slowly been growing in the mountains of "Pectoris." The evil "Man Boob" resistance eventually charges south in a violent clash. Ultimately, the hero "Exercise" stands alone on the abdomen and yells, "You shall not pass!" But, sadly, it will ultimately succumb to the power of snacks and be tossed into a deep, dark pit of despair. Unlike Gandalf, however, fitness will most likely not make a return in time to help defeat the attacking armies.
Waist: A father and husband will still try to fit into their size 32 pants, well after that digit has passed them by. You see, unlike women, men do not address weight gain proactively. I've never heard a man say, "I think I'm gaining weight." Denial is so deeply rooted that they will convince themselves that their clothes have been shrinking a little bit each year. Until, finally, a seam splits or a button pops off from the sheer resistant force that it has been storing. Even then, the husband-father will wear the pants until they are given new ones for a holiday or birthday. But, subconsciously, the man is aware of the gain, as they unwittingly stop buying Levi's or any other brand that demands to put the measurements on the back of the pants. I think that little apparel device was invented by women. With the same mindset as looking at the back of a greeting card to see the brand and whether or not it's of value, they will check out a guys posterior and say, "Oh, he's nice. And a great smile...Oh, wait! 40? Oh, I don't think so!"
Hands: The hands of any true man are soft and smooth, regardless of occupation or trade. That's because they are constantly using lotion after a little one's bath or on their wife's legs. His hands usually have random cuts and scrapes from...Well, we still don't know where. Perhaps from household repairs. Maybe from trying to open children's toy packaging. But some experts believe it's from unconsciously trying to tunnel an escape in their sleep.
Legs and Feet: Always in pain. And always cold...Just ask any wife. A wife's feet would be cold all the time, if they weren't shoved underneath a man's butt on the couch. Some men may experience bald patches on their feet as well from having their wife rub their feet incessantly against the man's underneath the covers.
So, now that you can identify the physical characteristics of the modern day husband/father, you may be able to understand their condition and offer help when needed. This is a serious plight and they need your assistance!
Hair: A dad's hair is generally cut short in style. Not because it was "time to grow up." But, rather, for the same reason MMA ultimate cage fighters keep their hair short. It reduces the ability for hair pulling during tantrums. A lot of moms of multiple children will also sport this cut. Grey hair starts to sprout quickly, usually after the second child. I'm 31 with three kids and I'm about 50% grey. Some people say it's "sophisticated." They fail to say, however, that they are not referring to the human personality trait definition of the word, meaning "worldly and of refined nature." How they really mean "sophisticated" is the technical meaning of the word; complex and baffling. (i.e. "The Central Nervous System is very sophisticated in design.")
The hairline of the husband also recedes a fraction of an inch every year. This is most likely caused from sitting with head in hands, rubbing his temples with deep conflict, seriously trying to decipher what his wife was really saying.
Face: The face shows the signs of parenthood and marriage in multiple ways. Forehead lines are caused by the constant confused look they display after walking into a room where kids are playing and thinking, "What in the world happened in here? How did those get up there? And, don't they realize how disgusting that is?"
Heavy jowls and slightly bloated cheeks are caused by eating actual meals with the wife instead of the bachelor food of macaroni and cheese, ramen noodles and chicken nuggets. More weight settles in after having kids from constantly finishing anything left in their dishes (especially when they're eating macaroni and cheese, ramen noodles and chicken nuggets).
Crow's feet are deep and pronounced from the huge amounts of smiling, laughing and crying on an hourly basis.
Neck and Shoulders: The neck of a father is usually tilted down to address a small person asking insane question or stating an obvious observation. "Yes, son. As a matter of fact, I did know that cats say meow. Now, can we get out of the crosswalk?" The husband's neck is usually tilted to one side, as they try to figure out what their wife just rambled on about for the last fifteen minutes. A group of husband-fathers together look like Robin Williams' patients in "Awakenings": Heads tilted down and to the side, just sitting there...maybe a little drool...
The shoulders of fathers and husbands are slightly stooped but strong as an ox. This comes from years of piggyback rides and lifting boxes of decorations from the basement every month. The really experienced dads can do both at the same time.
Arms and Torso: As mentioned above in "face" and "shoulders", diet and constant physical activity affects this part of the body. But the problem lies in the fact that they both battle it out in a glorious, epic war; the likes of which have only been seen in the CGI effects of the LOTR trilogy. (That's "Lord of the Rings" for you non-geeks out there...) Lifting and physical activity has always maintained control of the middle earth. But the dark wizard,"healthy appetite," has created a army of pudginess that has slowly been growing in the mountains of "Pectoris." The evil "Man Boob" resistance eventually charges south in a violent clash. Ultimately, the hero "Exercise" stands alone on the abdomen and yells, "You shall not pass!" But, sadly, it will ultimately succumb to the power of snacks and be tossed into a deep, dark pit of despair. Unlike Gandalf, however, fitness will most likely not make a return in time to help defeat the attacking armies.
Waist: A father and husband will still try to fit into their size 32 pants, well after that digit has passed them by. You see, unlike women, men do not address weight gain proactively. I've never heard a man say, "I think I'm gaining weight." Denial is so deeply rooted that they will convince themselves that their clothes have been shrinking a little bit each year. Until, finally, a seam splits or a button pops off from the sheer resistant force that it has been storing. Even then, the husband-father will wear the pants until they are given new ones for a holiday or birthday. But, subconsciously, the man is aware of the gain, as they unwittingly stop buying Levi's or any other brand that demands to put the measurements on the back of the pants. I think that little apparel device was invented by women. With the same mindset as looking at the back of a greeting card to see the brand and whether or not it's of value, they will check out a guys posterior and say, "Oh, he's nice. And a great smile...Oh, wait! 40? Oh, I don't think so!"
Hands: The hands of any true man are soft and smooth, regardless of occupation or trade. That's because they are constantly using lotion after a little one's bath or on their wife's legs. His hands usually have random cuts and scrapes from...Well, we still don't know where. Perhaps from household repairs. Maybe from trying to open children's toy packaging. But some experts believe it's from unconsciously trying to tunnel an escape in their sleep.
Legs and Feet: Always in pain. And always cold...Just ask any wife. A wife's feet would be cold all the time, if they weren't shoved underneath a man's butt on the couch. Some men may experience bald patches on their feet as well from having their wife rub their feet incessantly against the man's underneath the covers.
So, now that you can identify the physical characteristics of the modern day husband/father, you may be able to understand their condition and offer help when needed. This is a serious plight and they need your assistance!
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