Do You Take This Man?

"Do you take this man?"

That is such a tricky question for women on their wedding day.  Most women don't think about the impact of these words.  My wife answered this question emphatically...But I think as the next few years progressed, she changed her mind.  Not to say that she regretted marrying me.  Rather, the definition of "this" man.

Men are, for an easy explanation, simple.  We process one thing at a time.  We laugh at fart jokes.  We like anything that involves speed and/or destruction.  We will dress our children in whatever is on top in their drawers without thought of whether it fits or matches.  We put our forks and spoons into the dishwasher in whatever direction we are holding them at the time.  We sort clothes on laundry day by what we need the most (sweaters, blue jeans, towels and underwear all in the same load).  When we say, "Nothing," in response to a question about what we are thinking, we mean just that: nothing.

And these things drive women gonzo.  And so, men are a constant project for improvement to women.  We have gone our entire lives thinking that what we are doing is correct.  And it is the job of the woman to re-train us and break the news slowly that we are not .  Video games are no longer hobbies.  Instead, window shopping trips to Bed, Bath and Beyond have replaced leading a platoon against a horde of advancing Nazis.  Clipping toenails is apparently not an event to be shared in the public view of the living room.  And, of course, failing to dust every nook and cranny will eventually cause the frame to snap into pieces and the house to collapse upon itself. 

But when we stand on that altar, we haven't been taught yet.  That's why our smile is wide and goofy on that day.  We are receiving, in our minds, a public acceptance to our behaviors.  "I take THIS man."  If we knew that a clean garage would fall entirely on our shoulders and that we were not going to be allowed to maintain our paralyzing fear of spiders, our face might show a little more self-preparation and awareness.  Like Evel Knievel getting ready to make the largest jump of his life, the groom would take a couple hops, shake his arms and give a large breath of determination.  "Let's do this!" would more likely be their response rather than "I do."

I believe that the questions in the wedding ceremony should be altered: 

"Do you promise to take this man, and make him better and a more productive member of society?  To have (working on projects around the house) and to hold (accountable for all of his shortcomings) for as long as you both shall live? (Which, statistically for him, will be longer, because he won't end up injuring himself doing something insanely stupid.)"

"And, do you take her as your wife.  To have (to tell you to do the most obvious of tasks just to make sure you survive another day) and to hold (her purse as she parades you around from antique store to craft show to women's clothing department in an attempt to demonstrate what 'style' is) as long as you both shall live? (Which, statistically for her, will be shorter than you, as she will use so much energy just trying to keep you functioning.)"

Or perhaps when asked, "Do you take this man?"  The woman's response should simply be, "Well, not THIS man.  But the man I'm going to turn him into?  Sure!"