Yesterday was my 32nd birthday. I was sitting and thinking about my life and everything I have experienced. And with everything I've learned, this list pretty much sums up the highlights.
1. The "Macaroni Grill" will not actually grill macaroni...no matter how much you plead.
2. Paper towels and Saran wrap are NOT a proper substitute for a diaper. (At least, according to the angry comments on Pintrest.)
3. Wile E. Coyote is full of crap. There's no way to launch yourself off of a giant slingshot and land on skates and fly down the highway. But my daughter got a really cool cast out of it...
4. Roger Melville from Dayton...That's who put the "ram" in the "Ram-a-lama-ding-dong." Surprisingly enough, he had nothing to do with the "bop."
5. Just because you've watched "Rio" a thousand times with your two year old, that doesn't mean you know how to dance to Samba...A lesson I learned publicly...
6. The ORIGINAL, and only REAL trilogy: "A Fistful of Dollars", "For a Few Dollars More", and "The Good, The Bad and the Ugly."
7. If you ever wonder if your wife really wants to be with you, just remember that she has changed the pillow cases on your pillows. She has seen your pillow without the cover. If she can look at what secretes from your skull every night and not run immediately in revulsion, she's there for the long haul. I mean, really...it's disgusting...
8. Coke beats Pepsi. 7up beats Sprite. Mountain Dew beats everything...except beer...
9. The best gift you can ever receive is the laugh of a child.
10. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. (Ex. I once made a tuna salad and bologna sandwich.)
11. Make your best friend your spouse. Don't try to make your spouse your best friend.
12. If you can ask your boss for a raise/promotion, and get it, but you don't, you are an idiot.
13. Good things come to those who wait...unless you're talking about changing a diaper.
14. Your wife LOVES it when you dump cold water on her when taking a shower.
15. Men are genetically predisposed to grill meat and make chili better than women.
16. The "hot dog dance" on "The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse" is performed by They Might Be Giants, and, therefore, is cool to have downloaded to your mp3 player.
17. Nobody has an attractive pinky toe.
18. I will never undertsand the allure of the "Real Housewives" show.
19. I do NOT have the ability to pull off shorts with the word "JUICY" written across the back.
20. The best Blues and BBQ joint in KC: B.B.'s Lawnside
21. Having children is like having the worst roommates ever. They will keep you up all night, eat all your food, never pick up after themselves and expect you to drive them everywhere.
22. Crack is whack! (Sidenote: My oldest told me a joke last week: "Why did the man need a new butt? Because his had a crack in it.")
23. I do, and will always, believe in the Nicene Creed.
24. I have the uncanny ability to read a person's mind. By that, I mean I can tell when they are angry at me. Like when I am trying to learn Cantonese....at the ATM...
25. Meeting an "animal person" for the first time is a total let down from what you have imagined. (They don't have a tail. Their house just smells funny.)
26. A "honey-do" is not a suggestion.
27. What do I really want to do with my life? I WANNA ROCK!
28. I can control the weather. Simply by going to an amusement park, I can make it rain unexpectedly.
29. My children are smarter, funnier, and more beautiful than your kids...
30. Best dip in the world? Bacon Horseradish
31. If you ever want to end a fight with your wife in your favor, you have to start crying before she does.
32. My life has been blessed by God. He has given me my wife, my children, my family and my friends. Without them, I would not be the man I am today.
1. The "Macaroni Grill" will not actually grill macaroni...no matter how much you plead.
2. Paper towels and Saran wrap are NOT a proper substitute for a diaper. (At least, according to the angry comments on Pintrest.)
3. Wile E. Coyote is full of crap. There's no way to launch yourself off of a giant slingshot and land on skates and fly down the highway. But my daughter got a really cool cast out of it...
4. Roger Melville from Dayton...That's who put the "ram" in the "Ram-a-lama-ding-dong." Surprisingly enough, he had nothing to do with the "bop."
5. Just because you've watched "Rio" a thousand times with your two year old, that doesn't mean you know how to dance to Samba...A lesson I learned publicly...
6. The ORIGINAL, and only REAL trilogy: "A Fistful of Dollars", "For a Few Dollars More", and "The Good, The Bad and the Ugly."
7. If you ever wonder if your wife really wants to be with you, just remember that she has changed the pillow cases on your pillows. She has seen your pillow without the cover. If she can look at what secretes from your skull every night and not run immediately in revulsion, she's there for the long haul. I mean, really...it's disgusting...
8. Coke beats Pepsi. 7up beats Sprite. Mountain Dew beats everything...except beer...
9. The best gift you can ever receive is the laugh of a child.
10. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. (Ex. I once made a tuna salad and bologna sandwich.)
11. Make your best friend your spouse. Don't try to make your spouse your best friend.
12. If you can ask your boss for a raise/promotion, and get it, but you don't, you are an idiot.
13. Good things come to those who wait...unless you're talking about changing a diaper.
14. Your wife LOVES it when you dump cold water on her when taking a shower.
15. Men are genetically predisposed to grill meat and make chili better than women.
16. The "hot dog dance" on "The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse" is performed by They Might Be Giants, and, therefore, is cool to have downloaded to your mp3 player.
17. Nobody has an attractive pinky toe.
18. I will never undertsand the allure of the "Real Housewives" show.
19. I do NOT have the ability to pull off shorts with the word "JUICY" written across the back.
20. The best Blues and BBQ joint in KC: B.B.'s Lawnside
21. Having children is like having the worst roommates ever. They will keep you up all night, eat all your food, never pick up after themselves and expect you to drive them everywhere.
22. Crack is whack! (Sidenote: My oldest told me a joke last week: "Why did the man need a new butt? Because his had a crack in it.")
23. I do, and will always, believe in the Nicene Creed.
24. I have the uncanny ability to read a person's mind. By that, I mean I can tell when they are angry at me. Like when I am trying to learn Cantonese....at the ATM...
25. Meeting an "animal person" for the first time is a total let down from what you have imagined. (They don't have a tail. Their house just smells funny.)
26. A "honey-do" is not a suggestion.
27. What do I really want to do with my life? I WANNA ROCK!
28. I can control the weather. Simply by going to an amusement park, I can make it rain unexpectedly.
29. My children are smarter, funnier, and more beautiful than your kids...
30. Best dip in the world? Bacon Horseradish
31. If you ever want to end a fight with your wife in your favor, you have to start crying before she does.
32. My life has been blessed by God. He has given me my wife, my children, my family and my friends. Without them, I would not be the man I am today.
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